A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

:-o

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

A: Inheritance

["hip","hip"]

(hip hip array!)

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Yes.

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

so this programmer goes out on a date with a hot chick

The fantastic element that explains the appeal of games to many developers is neither the fire-breathing monsters nor the milky-skinned, semi-clad sirens; it is the experience of carrying out a task from start to finish without any change in the user requirements.

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:

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A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

char*lie;

    double time, me= !0XFACE,

    not; int rested,   get, out;

    main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{

        signed char lotte,


dear; (char)lotte--;

    for(get= !me;; not){

    1 -  out & out ;lie;{

    char lotte, my= dear,

    **let= !!me *!not+ ++die;

        (char*)(lie=


"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");

    do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;

    #define love (char*)lie -

    love 1s *!(not= atoi(let

    [get -me?

        (char)lotte-


(char)lotte: my- *love -

    'I'  -  *love -  'U' -

    'I'  -  (long)  - 4 - 'U' ])- !!

    (time  =out=  'a'));} while( my - dear

    && 'I'-1l  -get-  'a'); break;}}

        (char)*lie++;


(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;

    get *out* (short)ly   -0-'R'-  get- 'a'^rested;

    do {auto*eroticism,

    that; puts(*( out

        - 'c'

-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");


for (*((char*)&lotte)^=

    (char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+

    !!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }

    else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=

    '4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!


get; !out; (char)*lie  &  0xD0- !not) return!!

    (char)lotte;}


(char)lotte;

    do{ not* putchar(lie [out

    *!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);

    not; for(;!'a';);}while(

        love (char*)lie);{


register this; switch( (char)lie

    [(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {

    char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':

    *((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';

    this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}

    get - !out;

    if (not--)

    goto hell;

        exit( (char)lotte);}

This entry ^[1] is the Obfuscated C Contest for 1990, is a true classic. Ignoring that fact that it's a C program that actually compiles & runs, the source code is in the form of a hilarious conversation between a man & a woman.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.

Here's one I came up with many, many, many years ago:

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

Why programmers like UNIX:

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

Command line Russian roulette

[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*

Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:

A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:

"You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?"

Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, "Why would you stay on?"

The tenth said, "if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash."

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

Shepherd: “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,

Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

The shepherd cheers,

Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,

Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man answers;

Man: “Yes, why not?”

Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."

Man: “How did you know?”

Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who its friends are.

Richard Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait, I never said that."

Joke: A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: "So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?"

Meta-joke: If you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: "What's RTFM?" A programmer will ask: "What's Kama Sutra?"

Meta-meta-joke: If instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked "I knew both, now who am I", then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.

If you have asked "I googled both, now who am I", then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about RTFM or Kama Sutra. Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. Please try to acquire some social skills along the way. You may not think so now, but they do come in handy.

How to catch an Elephant in the Africa

• MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
• EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
• PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
• COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
  1. Go to Africa.
  2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
     1. Catch each animal seen.
     2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     3. Stop when a match is detected.
• EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
• ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
• ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
• ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
• STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
• CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
• OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
• POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
• LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
• SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
• VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
  1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
  2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
• SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
• QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
• SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
• SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
• HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says "Hello World!" and meet up his friend Baz

Drug dealers:

• Refer to their clients as "users".
• "The first one's free!"
• Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
• Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".
• Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
• Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
• Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
• Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
• Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software developers:

• Refer to their clients as "users".
• "Download a free trial version..."
• Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
• Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
• Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
• Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
• Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
• Their product causes unhealthy addictions - DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
• Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

I like to believe that I invented (or more likely independently discovered) this joke.

Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?

A: Because 7 10 11.

If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.

A classic from Futurama:

Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

[Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert]

This is from the 70s. It can easily be updated to the present day, but it has a certain charm just the way it is:

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.

A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.

One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.

The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.

On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.

One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!"

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As she lay there in bed
Looping 'round in her head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++

Bonus semi-related XKCD (thanks to randle-taylor):

Three men are talking: A programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. The lawyer says, "Man, the only way is to have a mistress. With all these divorce suits, it's terrible. The only way is to have a mistress." The doctor says, "Are you kidding? With all the STDs out there, you want a wife and that's it." The programmer says, "You need both a wife and a mistress. Because when you're not with the mistress, she'll assume you're with your wife, and when you're not with your wife, she'll assume you're with your mistress, and THAT leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!"

Keyboard not found ... press F1 to continue

My favorites are the hacker koans ^[1] from the MIT AI subculture of the 1970s. For example:

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.

Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

Knight turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!

ASCII ^[1] stupid question, get a stupid ANSI ^[2]

Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

After 5 pages of jokes, no one's gonna read this, but it's funny nonetheless:

How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”

The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
3. Indentation? I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
4. What is this talk of release? Klingons do not release software. Our software escapes leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
5. Klingon function calls do not have parameters - they have arguments - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
7. A True Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
8. Klingon software does not have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
9. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
10. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Visual Studio likes to put a comment block at the top of some of the support files it maintains itself automatically that makes the very matter-of-fact statement:

This code was generated by a tool.

I think I'm finally approaching getting tired of giggling at that, but it took way too long...

^[1] http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=recursion ^[2]

;)

The Consultant's Exam

• Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. )

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

• Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? (and No, it is not "Open the refigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?")

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.) This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

• Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

(Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.) This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true analytical abilities.

• Q4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

(Answer: You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Lion King's Meeting.)

If the box says, "This software requires Windows XP or better," does that mean it'll run on linux?

There's still nothing that beats this in describing obvious pitfalls and making you laugh:

Update: it looks like there's an entire site around these: Project Cartoon ^[1]

Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?

A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters

A programmer is sent to the grocery store with instructions to "buy butter and see whether they have eggs, if they do, then buy 10."

Returning with 10 butters, the programmer says, "they had eggs."

Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, "hey, I want don't any conditions race like time last!"

Old C programmers don't die, they're just cast into void.

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Vi, vi, vi - the editor of the beast.

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

what do Computer Science students use for birth control?

Their personalities.

If Java is the answer, it must have been a really verbose question.

OK. Here's one I actually wrote myself about 15 years ago. It's archived online at Adapower ^[1]. Be gentle:

////////////////////////////

I run across these lists everywhere. Unfortunately, they all seem to have been done by some brain-damaged soul who thinks C is a "normal" language. So I have made an attempt to come up with a new list that is a little more accurate, at least where I sit.

Ada : You aim at your foot and pull the trigger, but the safety stops the gun from firing. The safety won't budge until you tag your foot with a sign reading "Bullet Hole in this foot", and call the paramedics. You do so, then shoot yourself in the foot.

C : The gun comes in 38 pieces, with a set of assembly instructions. After painstakingly assembling the pieces, you pull the trigger and the gun promptly backfires and blows your head off.

Assembly : The same as C, except you have to hand-machine all the pieces as well. When you pull the trigger, your whole house explodes.

Java: You break into someone else's home and steal their water pistol. You then make a child gun that uses .38 rounds instead of water. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, nothing happens to you, but everyone who visits your house gets shot in the foot.

Basic : You aim the gun at a straight horizontal and pull the trigger, which causes a stream of water to be squirted straight down onto your foot.

Perl : You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. There is no explosion, but gravity causes the bullet to slide out of the barrel and bounce off your foot.

Lisp : You do a small part of the remaining work involved in shooting yourself in the foot. You then call yourself, and tell yourself to shoot yourself in the foot.

Pascal : The same as Ada, except when you pull the trigger a little sign pops out reading "BANG!".

C++ : The same as Java, except you try to build the parent water pistol using the gun tools from the C gun. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, the parent C gun explodes, spraying water everywhere, including the chamber of the child gun. This causes the child gun to backfire, blowing your head off.

Visual C++ : The same as C++, except that the bullets, the gun parts, the tools you use to put it together, the hospital you get taken to afterwards, and the ambulance that takes you there are all owned by the same company.

APL : Whenever you pull the trigger, no matter where you aim the gun, the bullet ricochets off of 13 objects and lodges in your foot. The gun has been examined by ballistics experts, mechanical engineers, and even the person who made it, and none of them can figure out how it works.

FORTRAN : When you aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, a table indexing error causes the gun to shoot its firing pin into your foot instead of the bullet.

In the year since I posted this, the comments have grown to the point where I think they are as valuable as my original answer. Currently there are comments proposing entries for the following languages:

• Actionscript
• Applescript
• Bash
• C# (2)
• Erlang
• INTERCAL
• Java script
• Objective-C / Smalltalk
• PHP
• Python (5)
• Ruby
• SQL
• TCL
• Visual Basic

There are also two alternate entries for Perl, and one for C++

I know, not programmers, but most of us may get it...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.

The bartender looks at the line going out the door,turns to the line and says "you guys suck!".

Then he pours two beers and walks away.

Why doesn't C++ have a garbage collector?

Because there would be nothing left!

Smith & Wesson - the original "point and click" interface.

The First Poem Written for Computers

        <>!*''#
        ^"`$$-
        !*=@$_
        %*<>~4
        &[]../
        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
    Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
    Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
    Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
    Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
    Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH

From http://www.cise.ufl.edu/~ddd/poem.htm

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level.

"Java programming is like teenage sex ....

• Everyone talks about it all of the time (but they don't really know what they're talking about);

• Everyone claims to be doing it;

• Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it;

• Those few who are actually doing it:

  • Are not practicing it safely;

  • Are doing it poorly, and

  • Are sure it will be better next time."

"In theory, there ought to be no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."

Nothing seems hard to the people who don't know what they're talking about.

A Microsoft dev is walking down a walking path on campus when he hears a frog say, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. We can get married, and I will be your loving wife forever". The geek and the frog stare at each other for a bit, and then he picks up the frog and gently places her in his front pocket. The frog sticks her head out and says "aren't you going to kiss me?"

"No" says the dev, "I work for Microsoft, I don't have time for a wife - but a talking frog is really cool!"

Your mommas so fat that not even Dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.

C++ - where your friends have access to your private members.

I am surprised this one has not already been posted. I guess I will do the honors. :)

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. ~ Doug Linder

Sorry, this one is quite huge, got as mail from a friend

The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr.High

   10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
   20 END

First year in College

   program Hello(input, output)
     begin
       writeln('Hello World')
     end.

Senior year in College

   (defun hello
     (print
       (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional

   #include 
   void main(void)
   {
     char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
     int i;

     for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
       printf("%s", message[i]);
     printf("\n");
   }

Seasoned professional

   #include 
   #include 

   class string
   {
   private:
     int size;
     char *ptr;

   public:
     string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

     string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
     {
        ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
     }

     ~string()
     {
       delete [] ptr;
     }

     friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
     string &operator=(const char *);
   };

   ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
   {
     return(stream << s.ptr );
   }

   string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
   {
     if (this != &chrs)
     {
       delete [] ptr;
      size = strlen(chrs);
       ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, chrs);
     }
     return(*this);
   }

   int main()
   {
     string str;

     str = "Hello World";
     cout << str << endl;

     return(0);
   }

Master Programmer

   [uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)]
   library LHello
   {
       // bring in the master library
       importlib("actimp.tlb");
       importlib("actexp.tlb");

       // bring in my interfaces
       #include "pshlo.idl"

       [
       uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
       ]
       cotype THello
    {
    interface IHello;
    interface IPersistFile;
    };
   };

   [
   exe,
   uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
   ]
   module CHelloLib
   {

       // some code related header files
       importheader();
       importheader();
       importheader();
       importheader("pshlo.h");
       importheader("shlo.hxx");
       importheader("mycls.hxx ");

       // needed typelibs
       importlib("actimp.tlb");
       importlib("actexp.tlb");
       importlib("thlo.tlb");

       [
       uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
       aggregatable
       ]
       coclass CHello
    {
    cotype THello;
    };
   };

   #include "ipfix.hxx"

   extern HANDLE hEvent;

   class CHello : public CHelloBase
   {
   public:
       IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

       CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
       ~CHello();

       HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

    private:
       static int cObjRef;
   };

   #include 
   #include 
   #include 
   #include 
   #include "thlo.h"
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

   CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
   {
       cObjRef++;
       return;
   }

   HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
   {
       printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
       return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
   }

   CHello::~CHello(void)
   {

   // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
   cObjRef--;
   if( cObjRef == 0 )
       PulseEvent(hEvent);

   return;
   }

   #include < windows.h>
   #include 
   #include " pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   HANDLE hEvent;

    int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   ULONG ulRef;
   DWORD dwRegistration;
   CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

   hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries
   CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

   CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
       REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

   // wait on an event to stop
   WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

   // revoke and release the class object
   CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
   ulRef = pCF->Release();

   // Tell OLE we are going away.
   CoUninitialize();

   return(0);
   }

   extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
   extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

   CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       0x2573F891,
       0xCFEE,
       0x101A,
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
   };

   UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       0x2573F890,
       0xCFEE,
       0x101A,
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
   };

   #include 
   #include 
   #include < stdlib.h>
   #include 
   #include 
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "clsid.h"

   int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   HRESULT  hRslt;
   IHello        *pHello;
   ULONG  ulCnt;
   IMoniker * pmk;
    WCHAR  wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
   WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

   // get object path
   wcsPath[0] = '\0';
   wcsT[0] = '\0';
   if( argc > 1) {
       mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
       wcsupr(wcsPath);
       }
   else {
       fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
       return(1);
       }

   // get print string
   if(argc > 2)
       mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
   else
       wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

   printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
   printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries
   hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

   if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

       hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
       if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
    hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

       if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

    // print a string out
    pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

    Sleep(2000);
    ulCnt = pHello->Release();
    }
       else
    printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

       // Tell OLE we are going away.
       CoUninitialize();
       }

   return(0);
   }

Believe me, all this gives the same output "Hello World"  :-)

Intelligent Design Sort

Introduction

Intelligent design sort is a sorting algorithm based on the theory of intelligent design.

Algorithm Description

The probability of the original input list being in the exact order it's in is 1/(n!). There is such a small likelihood of this that it's clearly absurd to say that this happened by chance, so it must have been consciously put in that order by an intelligent Sorter. Therefore it's safe to assume that it's already optimally Sorted in some way that transcends our naïve mortal understanding of "ascending order". Any attempt to change that order to conform to our own preconceptions would actually make it less sorted.

Analysis

This algorithm is constant in time, and sorts the list in-place, requiring no additional memory at all. In fact, it doesn't even require any of that suspicious technological computer stuff. Praise the Sorter!

An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.

"Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker.

"Ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?"

"What are you getting at, God?" The hooker asked.

"And was He not the divine architect of the universe?" The architect asked, looking smug.

The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?"

"Darkness and chaos," the hooker said.

"And who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.

100 little bugs in the code, ...

... continue until 0 bugs reached

The only "intuitive" user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

So a programming team developes true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to. He types:

Hello

and it replies:

(Hello)

He types:

How are you?

It replies:

((I'm fine, thanks)(How are you?))

The PM gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. The team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true AI capable of feelings and reason. They tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team.
The PM replies, "Yes, but it talks with a Lisp."

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?

A: Because he didn't get arrays.

Why do java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't see sharp.

I guess my current favourite is:

"XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it".

Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

I'd like to make the world a better place, but they won't give me the source code.

Indeed, when I design my killer language, the identifiers foo and bar will be reserved words, never used, and not even mentioned in the reference manual. Any program using one will simply dump core without comment. Multitudes will rejoice.

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.

this one just about killed me, in the best of ways.

"I don't see women as objects. I consider each to be in a class of her own." ;-)

My Favourite Joke About Recursion ^[1]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

The word "algorithm" was coined to recognise Al Gore's contribution to computer science.

.NET is called .NET so that it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.

"What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand--why do you think we call it code???"

Your momma's so fat, that when she sat on a binary tree she turned it into a sorted linked-list in O(1).

Not a joke per se, but I think it is funny :)

What sits on your shoulder and goes "Pieces of 7! Pieces of 7!"?

A Parroty Error!

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

The women I went to university with had this to say about their chances of meeting guys in our CS department : "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

One of my favorites...

Robin Hood And Friar Tuck

The following story was posted in news.sysadmin recently.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola (I believe it was) discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system (or it may have been CP-V's predecessor UTS). Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in "master mode" (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its "privilege level" byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to XEROX via an official "level 1 SIDR" (a bug report with a perceived urgency of "needs to be fixed yesterday"). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as "Security SIDR", and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc. separately.

Xerox apparently sat on the problem... they either didn't acknowledge the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.

Time passed (months, as I recall). The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take Direct Action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked, and just how thoroughly the system security systems could be subverted.

They dug around through the operating-system listings, and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called Robin Hood and Friar Tuck. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as "ghost jobs" (daemons, in Unix terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

So... one day, the system operator on the main CP-V software-development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following (as I recall... it's been a while since I heard the story):

• Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job.

• Disk drives would seek back&forth so rapidly that they'd attempt to walk across the floor.

• The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a "lace card" (every hole punched). These would usually jam in the punch.

• The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.

• The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B. One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite
  stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to recollate them manually.

I believe that there were some other effects produced, as well.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! (Robin Hood)
id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!

id3: Thank you, my good fellow! (Robin)

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently-slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter... only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time image (the /vmunix file, in Unix terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time...

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.

I believe that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. To the best of my knowledge, no serious disciplinary action was taken against either of these guys.

Several years later, both of the perpetrators were hired by Honeywell, which had purchased the rights to CP-V after Xerox pulled out of the mainframe business. Both of them made serious and substantial contributions to the Honeywell CP-6 operating system development effort. Robin Hood (Dan Holle) did much of the development of the PL-6 system-programming language compiler; Friar Tuck (John Gabler) was one of the chief communications-software gurus for several years. They're both alive and well, and living in LA (Dan) and Orange County (John). Both are among the more brilliant people I've had the pleasure of working with.

Disclaimers: it has been quite a while since I heard the details of how this all went down, so some of the details above are almost certainly wrong. I shared an apartment with John Gabler for several years, and he was my Best Man when I married back in '86... so I'm somewhat predisposed to believe his version of the events that occurred.

Dave Platt Coherent Thought Inc. 3350 West Bayshore #205 Palo Alto CA 94303

Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?

A: 1.

Q: What's the difference between Software Development and Sex?

A: In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=recursion ^[1]

Did you mean: "recursion"

Not really programming related, but still funny:

A mathematician asks an engineer a question, "Here are 5 birds in the tree, if I shoot one, how many are left?"

The engineer answers, "0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot."

"The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think" said the mathematician.

The engineer then says, "Well then, I will ask you a question. Three women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?"

The mathematician blushes and answers: "The second one?"

The engineer then says, "Wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

The programmer got stuck in the shower because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

An optimist person will say that the glass is half-full.

A pessimist person will say that the glass is half-empty.

A programmer will say that the glass is twice as large as necessary.

A bad one I just thought up...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

Not exactly a programming joke, but related enough:

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house.

They see two people walk in.

Later, they see three people walk out.

The biologist says, "They must have multiplied!"

The engineer says, "I think it was measurement error."

The mathematician says, "Now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."

This is one I've been telling for years and I'm always surprised when people haven't heard it:

Three programmers meet accidentally at the urinal while attending a technical conference. The first programmer finishes up his business, washes his hands with loads of water, walks over to the towels and uses almost the entire roll to dry his hands. He turns to the other two and says "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes up, walks over to the sink and washes his hands with much less water, then uses a single towel to dry his hands. He remarks to the other two "At IBM, we are trained not only to be very thorough, but also very efficient."

The third programmer finishes his business, walks right past the sink and towel rack and lauds over his shoulder as he walks out the door: "At Apple we don't piss on our hands!"

The original way I heard it was with Motorolla / DEC and Sun I think but you can change the joke depending on who you are telling it to :)

It compiles! Let's ship it.

Q: How come there is not obfuscated Perl contest?

A: Because everyone would win.

When Shakespeare asked, To be, or not to be?, he did not provide the answer. But programming can. Well the answer is FF.

2B |~ 2B = FF

THE AMAZING ESCAPE

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

A mathematician, a physicist, a civil engineer, and a computer programmer are asked (after a few beers) to show that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, by induction they're all prime.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime -- clearly, they're all prime.

Civil Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime -- sure, they're all prime.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime......

Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. When it's bad, it's better than nothing.

It's been said that if you play a windows CD backwards, you'll hear satanic chanting...worse still if you play it forwards, it installs windows.

IT is a funny industry. Can you think of any other group of people that would make an acronym as an excuse to say sexy (SCSI) and have everyone mispronounce it as scuzzy.

Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it

if(computer.fail==true){
background.setColor(blue);
user.frown();
sys.shutdown();
user.scream("OH, DARN YOU");}

How programming language fanboys see each others’ languages

An actual conversation I had with my fiancée:

Me: I just saw a red-black squirrel!
Her: Was it in a red-black tree?

Might not be a joke, but certainly is a piece of humor:

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I'll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.

Jamie Zawinski

http://regex.info/blog/2006-09-15/247

Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.

A programmer to his friends (also programmers):

"I met a hot girl last night. I brought her home and we began kissing furiously. I sat her on the keyboard and ..."

"You've got a computer at home? What's the CPU?"

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method.

A son asked his father(a programmer) why the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. His response?

It works, don't touch!

This is as far as I know anonymous.

PROGRAMMER'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle would soon be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!
on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete!
His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the systems came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The users' last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

A year ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and I have observed that this new program started an unexpected subroutine called Son, which occupies almost all my space and important resources. Also, Wife 1.0 auto-installs as a host in all my programs and auto-starts every time I want to use any of them. Apps like Beers With Friends 10.3 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer work.

Every now and then, a spyware program called In-Law 1.0 starts and freezes Wife 1.0. I haven't been able to uninstall this spyware and I cannot minimize Wife 1.0 if I want to run any of my favorite apps. I'm thinking about downgrading to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall IS NOT WORKING!!! Please Help!!

SUPPORT RESPONSE:

Dear User:

This is a known bug submitted by users. In most cases the source is pretty simple. Many users go from version Girlfriend X.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking Wife 1.0 is an utilities and entertainment app. However, Wife 1.0 is designed to control the system entirely. It is very unlikely that you'll be able to uninstall Wife 1.0 and return to any version of Girlfriend. There are hidden files on Girlfriend X.0 that will make it work just like Wife 1.0.

Some users have tried clean formatting their systems in order to install Girlfriend Plus 1.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended with bigger problems afterwards. Please refer to the warning section on the read-me file, specifically the alimony chapter.

Also, if you update to Girlfriend 8.0, do not update to Wife 2.0 because problems will be worst, expensive and not recommended for normal users. Frequently used upgrades include Celibacy 1.0 or Gay/Lesbian 5.3.

I personally have Wife 1.0 installed and suggest you explore the manual in its entirety. The user agreement states that the user shall be responsible for any problem, no matter the cause. A really powerful command, which normally un-freezes the application can be found under C:/IMSORRY.EXE. Having said that, Wife 1.0 is really interesting but has very expensive updates. Recommended plugins include Flowers 12.0, Jewels 2.3 and Vacations 2.3. Yeshoney 9.0 and Whateveryousay 12.3 are also very popular.

Finally, Wife 1.0 is not compatible with MiniSkirtSecretary 3.3. Installing it can cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Windows is...

a 64 bit rewrite of

a 32 bit extension to

a 16 bit api to

an 8 bit kernel for

a 4 bit microprocessor by

a 2 bit company that can't stand

1 bit of competition.

What is the definition of programmer?

Programmers are machines that turn coffee into code.

The shortest programmer joke:

"I'm nearly done!"

(in german: "Ich habs gleich!")

These are real quotes from people I know:

Programmer 1: "We'll have to do a keycapture..."

Programmer 2: {interrupting} "..yeah and they're fast f**kers."

Programmer 1: "Sounds like user error to me."

Programmer 2: "Yeah, they shouldn't have used it."

Programmer 1: Looking at a resume... "Whats a Senor Application Developer?"

Programmer 2: "That's a Mexican programmer..."

KDE or Gnome - it's like deciding which fat girl you want to date.

JIT Happens! :)

Writing XML is like being an alcoholic. It may give you a sense of control while you're doing it, but it's only when you stop and look at what you have done that you realize how much trouble you've caused.

I � Unicode.

Year 2014. Little girl asks her mommy. - Mommy who is this man that always sit on computer and always talks to himself? - He is your dad. He is a programmer. Several years ago he found website called Stackoverflow.com and ...

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
very long pause….
- Java.

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- C++.

Knock, knock.
- Assembler.

"Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day or are you going out with me?" -- programmer's girlfriend

"Yes" -- programmer

I stuck this on the fridge at work, because the dev process, as with everything in life, was obviously best described by Devo:

A snippet of a conversation that I found rather amusing from bash.org ^[1]:

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vacuums 
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense? 
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool? 
<TheXPhial> lava?

Q: Why did the concurrent chicken cross the road?

A: the side other To to get

  === This is the Honor System Virus ====
  If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or
  Linux computer, please randomly delete
  several files from your hard disk drive and
  forward this message to everyone you know.
  ==============================================

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good <HEAD> on her <BODY>, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend - sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back-end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface.

Three programmers go into a bar and sit down at a table. The first programmer holds up two fingers and says "Three beers".

What do you call a programmer from Finland?

Nerdic.

There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one...

Q: What did the Java code say to the C code?
A: You've got no class.

How many Intel hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.0000000000001736442

But Its close enough for most people.

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Wire wrapped board. Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Program, noun: A magic spell cast upon a computer to enable it to turn input into error messages.

wife to programmer: "Buy a stick of butter. If they have eggs, bring 10" He's back w/10 sticks of butter & says "They had eggs"

(via toraks ^[1])

my favourite: "Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration." - Stan Kelly-Bootle

The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."

Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.

"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.

The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

Here's an easy game to play. 
Here's an easy thing to say.... 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! 
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

Gene Ziegler ^[1]

"Why did Microsoft name their new search engine BING?"

"Because It's Not Google!"

For a study in problem solving, a programmer and a mathematician are each put into test kitchens and asked to boil water. At the start of the study, each grabs a pencil and start scribbling notes furiously, covering the walls and counters with UML diagrams, heat exchange equations, proofs of completeness and so on. After several hours of sweat, each picks up a pot, fills it with water at the sink, puts it on the stove, turns on the burner and waits.

Then the kitchens are cleaned out and they're given the same task, except this time the pot already has water in it and is sitting on the stove. The programmer grabs his pencil and starts drawing out class hierachies, designs a metalanguage with a LALR parser, and continues covering the kitchen with notes. Finally the programmer turns on the burner and waits.

The mathematician stares at the pot for a few minutes, picks it up and dumps it out and writes on the counter, "reduced to a problem already solved."

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that know binary & those that don't"

Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that there must be exactly three terminations: one at each end of the cable, and one for the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning black candles.

Optimist : The glass is half full. Pessimist : The glass is half empty. Coder: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Not quite CS, but I'm sure it can be appreciated here:

"An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.

After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.

A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny."

My favorit

A scrupulous and honest programmer checked his receipt from a convenience store and found they had neglected to charge him for the new cigarette taxes recently mandated by congress. He wrestled with his conscience about returning the money and pointing out the mistake, but in the end he decided it best to make an exception for the sin tax error.

Q: What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A: A computer will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

One day, the prince goes to the dragon lair in order to kill the dragon.

When the dragon shows up, the prince cuts off his head but two new heads appear. The prince cuts off the two heads and four appear. The prince cuts off the four heads and 16 appear. ... The prince cuts off the 128 heads and 256 appear. The prince cuts off the 256 heads and the dragon dies. Why?

A: It was an 8 bit dragon.

//   LordsPrayer.java   @author Ganesh Prasad

import org.religion.*

public class LordsPrayer {
  public void pray() {
    // Our Father, who art in heaven,
    //
    God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();

    // Hallowed be thy Name.
    //
    ourFather.getName().setHallowed( true );

    // Thy kingdom come.
    //
    ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome( true );

    // Thy will be done in earth
    // As it is in heaven.
    //
    boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );
    Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );

    // Give us this day our daily bread.
    //
    Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread( new Date() );

    // And forgive us our trespassess,
    // As we forgive those who trespass against us.
    //
    synchronized {
       ourFather.forgive( this.getTrespasses() );
       this.forgive( this.getTrespassers() );
    }

    // And lead us not into temptation;
    // But deliver us from evil:
    //
    ourFather.removeTemptationListener( this );
    ourFather.deliverFrom( Evil, this );

    // For thine is the kingdom, and the power,
    // and the glory, for ever.
    //
    for (;;) {
       Kingdom.setOwner( ourFather );
       Power.setOwner( ourFather );
       Glory.setOwner( ourFather );
    }

    // Amen.
    //
    finalize();
  }
}

WWJD? JWRTFM!

The new (insert current fast processor, but when I heard it, the value was "cray") is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds.

Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light bulb works just fine on the machine on my desk...

A classic one from learning finite state machines: "Kleeneliness is next to Gödeliness"

Personal one I came up with:

"Pirates go arg!!!, Computer pirates go argv!!" - mempko

Rome wasn't built in O(1).

Colors or words - what do You prefer ?

Heisenberg ^[1] gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg answers, “No, but I know exactly where I am!”

Q: Why should OS X be afraid of Windows 7?

A: Because 7 8 9. And 10 is next.

There are three types of people in this world:

• Those that understand recursion
• Those that don't understand recursion

• Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

  • Those that understand recursion
  • Those that don't understand recursion

  • Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

    • Those that understand recursion
    • Those that don't understand recursion

    • Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

      • ...

if(you.AreHappy && you.KnowIt){
  you.ClapHands();
}

I always love the following poke at Java from Steve Yegge: ^[1]

A popular nursery rhyme in Javaland

For the lack of a nail,
    throw new HorseshoeNailNotFoundException("no nails!");

For the lack of a horseshoe,
    EquestrianDoctor.getLocalInstance().getHorseDispatcher().shoot();

For the lack of a horse,
    RidersGuild.getRiderNotificationSubscriberList().getBroadcaster().run(
      new BroadcastMessage(StableFactory.getNullHorseInstance()));

For the lack of a rider,
    MessageDeliverySubsystem.getLogger().logDeliveryFailure(
      MessageFactory.getAbstractMessageInstance(
        new MessageMedium(MessageType.VERBAL),
        new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.MOUNTED_RIDER),
        new MessageSessionDestination(BattleManager.getRoutingInfo(
                                        BattleLocation.NEAREST))),
      MessageFailureReasonCode.UNKNOWN_RIDER_FAILURE);

For the lack of a message,
    ((BattleNotificationSender)
      BattleResourceMediator.getMediatorInstance().getResource(
        BattleParticipant.PROXY_PARTICIPANT,
        BattleResource.BATTLE_NOTIFICATION_SENDER)).sendNotification(
          ((BattleNotificationBuilder)
            (BattleResourceMediator.getMediatorInstance().getResource(
            BattleOrganizer.getBattleParticipant(Battle.Participant.GOOD_GUYS),
            BattleResource.BATTLE_NOTIFICATION_BUILDER))).buildNotification(
              BattleOrganizer.getBattleState(BattleResult.BATTLE_LOST),
              BattleManager.getChainOfCommand().getCommandChainNotifier()));

For the lack of a battle,
    try {
        synchronized(BattleInformationRouterLock.getLockInstance()) {
          BattleInformationRouterLock.getLockInstance().wait();
        }
    } catch (InterruptedException ix) {
      if (BattleSessionManager.getBattleStatus(
           BattleResource.getLocalizedBattleResource(Locale.getDefault()),
           BattleContext.createContext(
             Kingdom.getMasterBattleCoordinatorInstance(
               new TweedleBeetlePuddlePaddleBattle()).populate(
                 RegionManager.getArmpitProvince(Armpit.LEFTMOST)))) ==
          BattleStatus.LOST) {
        if (LOGGER.isLoggable(Level.TOTALLY_SCREWED)) {
          LOGGER.logScrewage(BattleLogger.createBattleLogMessage(
            BattleStatusFormatter.format(BattleStatus.LOST_WAR,
                                         Locale.getDefault())));
        }
      }
    }

For the lack of a war,
    new ServiceExecutionJoinPoint(
      DistributedQueryAnalyzer.forwardQueryResult(
        NotificationSchemaManager.getAbstractSchemaMapper(
          new PublishSubscribeNotificationSchema()).getSchemaProxy().
            executePublishSubscribeQueryPlan(
              NotificationSchema.ALERT,
              new NotificationSchemaPriority(SchemaPriority.MAX_PRIORITY),
              new PublisherMessage(MessageFactory.getAbstractMessage(
                MessageType.WRITTEN,
                new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.WOUNDED_SURVIVOR),
                new MessageSessionDestination(
                  DestinationManager.getNullDestinationForQueryPlan()))),
              DistributedWarMachine.getPartyRoleManager().getRegisteredParties(
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_KING ||
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_GENERAL ||
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_AMBASSADOR)).getQueryResult(),
        PriorityMessageDispatcher.getPriorityDispatchInstance())).
      waitForService();

All for the lack of a horseshoe nail.

There are only 2 kinds of SQL developers:

• Those who know how COUNT() treats NULLs
• Those who don't
• Those who don't care

A UNIX wizard hears cries of torment from his apprentice's computer room where the apprentice is studying, and goes to investigate.

He finds the apprentice in obvious distress, nearly on the verge of tears. "What's the problem?" he asks. "Why did you cry out?"

"It's terrible using this system. I must use four editors each day to get my studies done, because not one of them does everything."

The wizard nods sagely, and asks, "And what would you propose that will solve this obvious dilemma?"

The student thinks carefully for several minutes, and his face then lights up in delight. Excitedly, he says, "Well, it's obvious. I will write the best editor ever. It will do everything that the existing four editors do, but do their jobs better, and faster. And because of my new editor, the world will be a better place."

The wizard quickly raises his hand and smacks the apprentice on the side of his head. The wizard is old and frail, and the apprentice isn't physically hurt, but is shocked by what has happened. He turns his head to face the wizard. "What have I done wrong?" he asks.

"Fool!" says the wizard. "Do you think I want to learn yet another editor?"

Immediately, the apprentice is enlightened.

If whitespace were truly white it would have show up on black background.

For C-type languages...

    A bright young coder named Lee
    Wished to loop while i was 3
    But when writing the =
    He forgot its sequel
    And thus looped infinitely

Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

APPLICATION TO HAVE A FILE RESTORED

Your Name ___________________ Your Login Name ___________________ Which Project ____________________

1. Urgency:

   <1 Hour ____   1-2 Hours ____  2-4 Hours ____
   Next Day ____  Next Week ____  Never     ____
   

2. Reason for needing restore:

   Accidental Deletion ____  Accidental Corruption ____
   General Clumsiness  ____  Complete Stupidity    ____
   Klutz               ____
   

3. Are you sure the file existed in the first place?

   Yes ____  No ____
   

4. Are you sure the file isn't somewhere else?

   Yes ____  No ____
   

5. How do you know the file isn't somewhere else?

   _____________________________________________________________________
   

6. How long do you think it would take for you to re-create the file if a backup was not available?

   _____________________________________________________________________
   

7. Don't you think it would be better if you hadn't deleted the file in the first place?

   Yes ____
   

8. How much did you have to drink when you deleted the file?

   Pints ____              Gallons _____
   

9. If you didn't want to delete the file, why did you type the command?

   _____________________________________________________________________
   

10. Do you appreciate the amount of inconvenience that restoring a few files from a backup causes?

    No ____
    

11. Have you deleted more work than you would normally create in a day?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

12. Don't you feel really stupid having to rely on a backup to recover from your mistake?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

13. Do you often regret things you have done?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

14. Do you often worry about your responsibilities?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

15. Do you worry about not being able to control your actions?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

16. Do you think there is a connection between a person destroying their own work and having self destructive motivations?

    Yes ____  No ____
    

17. Sign here:

    _______________________________
    

CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

SCSI: System Can’t See It

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.

I read not to use my cat's name as a password, but over these years I've really got used to "B-43%^!n#C@"...

Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?

Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch

Sex the UNIX way

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

UNIX is like eating insects.

It's all right once you get used to it.

This inherits from a joke about engineers:

A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.

An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.

A Real Programmer® sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().

A J2EE architect, a dotNET guru, and a COBOL programmer walk into a bar. The barkeeper does a double-take and says... what is this, some kind of joke?

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.

dance: while( true ){
    if( something() ) break dance;
}

There are three books of Murphy's Law, by Arthur Bloch, from the early 80's. A number of my favorites are found in those three volumes:

Osborn's Law

Variables won't; Constants aren't.

Laws of Computer Programming

1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a given program is proportional to the weight of its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

Troutman's Postulates (5 & 6)

1. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
2. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

“If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.”

Source ^[1]

Software Development Cycles in use:

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Computer Scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The Physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly requires surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Civil Engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of heavens and earth from out of chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of Civil Engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Computer Scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidentially, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

Notice how chuck Norris is a key Word!

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare…no-one glares at Chuck Norris

Not really a joke, but this makes me smile.

The three most dangerous things in the world are:

1. A programmer with a soldering iron.
2. A hardware type with a program patch.
3. A user with an idea.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people like weight-lifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?

Are you a weight-lifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man.

"I work as a project manager in a software company !! "

Mathematician, Physicist, Engineer walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The physicist does some calculus and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The engineer looks at him and laughs. "No, the best way is a circle". The physicist concedes and they start building the fence.

The mathematician just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says "I declare myself to be outside".

God is real...unless declared integer

if (var1 == true)
{
    return true;
}
else if (var1 == false)
{
    return false;
}
else 
{
    return !true && ! false;
}

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"

If JavaScript is like walking alone late at night through a bad part of town with a pocket full of $20 bills, then ActiveX is like dropping your trousers in the middle of a maximum-security prison yard, bending over, and yelling "Come and get it, boys!"

An astronomer, physicist, mathematician and programmer are on a train going to a conference.
As they reach $COUNTRY the astronomer sees a black cow and says - see all cows in $COUNTRY are black.
No says the physicist, you mean there is evidence of some black cows in $COUNTRY.
The mathematician says - there exists at least one cow in $COUNTRY that is black on one side.

And the programmer - look! moo-moos !

You can have quality software, or you can have pointer arithmetic; but you cannot have both at the same time.

Would you want to use an operating system that names its commands after digestive noises (awk, grep, fsck, nroff)?

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

There are 10 kinds of people on Stack Overflow.
1. People who didn't read the duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read one duplicate of this joke.
10. People who read two duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read three duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read four duplicates of this joke.
...
11. People who have all the bases covered.

Okay, go easy on me, because I wrote this little gem myself to amuse the kiddies...

Q: Why wouldn't the flag fit through the door?

A: Because it was a bit long.

This is just a geeky joke rather than programming but anyway...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip ^[1]?
A: To get to the same side.

I'm not bald, I just have "margin-top: 200px;"

So, there were two blind programmers, however, one did C.

(Works better when spoken loud, and probably even better in Swedish. Still funny as hell tough. :)

Question: How long does it take to move a file?

Windows Vista User Answer: I don't know, it's still calculating.

Mac OSX User Answer: What's a file?

Highlander getSingletonInstance() // there can only be one.

old Dvorak had a farm, . c . c r

bool startWar = false;
if(startWar = true){
    fireNukes();
}

A programmer is someone who will spend 6 months writing a computer program that will save him 45 minutes (and which he'll only use once.)

http://www.google.com/search?q=recursion

sql> DELETE FROM world.human_race WHERE iq < 100

Query OK, 3.45 billion rows affected (0.01 sec)···

If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one?

my cd-rom driver became corrupted and windows could no longer recognize/find my cd-rom drive. so the error message i got was "please insert Windows CD"

at first i thought it was a joke...

http://www.workjoke.com/programmers-jokes.html

http://www.jokes.net/shortprogrammerjokes.htm

I think these 2 links answer the question.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png

From xkcd.com

Documentation is like sex... When it is bad, it is better than nothing. When it is good, it is really-really good.

The sign of a compulsive programmer is somebody who can count up to 1023 on his or her fingers....

(You use each finger as a binary digit.)

A programmer is at the airport with his wife, she needs to go to the bathroom so she tells him to stay there and look at the luggage. When she's back the programmer is counting the bags while scratching his head.

Wife: -What's wrong?

Prog: -I don't get it. I was there, nobody took a bag, but I have missed one. We had 5 bags, but now we have only 4.

Wife: -How's that?

Prog: -Look: zero, one, two, thee, four!

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about Warnings, we only worry about Errors."

If computer languages were car. ^[1]

• C is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

• C++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.

• Java is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself.

• C# is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.

• Lisp looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

• Perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.

• Python is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.

• Ruby is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.

• Fortran is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.

• Cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

• Assembly Language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

One day a Novice came to the Master.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice. The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the Store of Software.
Many hours later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Compiler of Source to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice.
The Master instructed the Novice as to where he could find the Manual of Operation.
Many days later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source, and a Manual of Operation. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
At this the Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Manual of Operations to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
The Master closed his eyes, and heaved a great sigh.
The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the School of Elementary.
Many years later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code, a Manual of Operation and an Education of Elementary?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"What then can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously. He looked around but could find nothing to present to the Master.
The Master smiled at the Novice.
"I see what problem plagues you." said the Master.
"Oh great master, please tell me." asked the Novice.
The Master turned the Novice toward the door, and with a supportive hand on his shoulder said, "Go young Novice, and Read The F***ing Manual." And so the Novice became enlightened.

Q - Why don't programmers pray?

A - They don't like throwing null pointer exceptions!

One of my favorites from days gone by:

A poem based on E. A. Poe's The Raven. By Anonymous

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a bad programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

Q: What does a computer scientist wear on Halloween? A: A bit-mask.

ba dup chhhee

heh.

A Poem For Computer Geeks

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ #4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

A Translation for the Mundanes

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash
Bang splat equals at dollar underscore
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash
Vertical bar curly brace comma comma crash

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

Saw this on Jokes2Go.com today:

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

How to Develop Your Programming Schedule

• Start with your worst-case estimate, multiply by 2, then switch to the next larger unit of measurement. Example: If you think it should take 3 days, allow 6 weeks.

• My wife, the daughter of a theoretical mathematician, simply multiplies her worst-case estimate by 2 pi. I contend that her method lulls her into a false sense of confidence, as she improves her accuracy merely by keeping another decimal place.

• After learning indirection, a coworker always answered "tomorrow" and explained that, eventually, he'd be right. I wonder if he's still employed....

Some call me '^F[a-z\'-]+$', but I have many names.

Question: what do you call your programming methodology?
Answer: Faith based development. You code and then pray that it works

There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don't understand that there are two types of people in this world: ...

I'm sorry for my terrible English, but my native language is Pascal.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Picasso's full name was Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

But close friends just called him PABLO~1.

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?

A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??

Result-----------------------

Two threads climb out of the pool...

RFC2324 ^[1]

It is a comic but this is my favorite about code quality, style and reviews = WTFs per minute: http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/images/the-only-valid-measurement-of-code-quality-wtfs-per-minute.png

In the dBASE III Plus manual some 20+ years ago. The index at the end of the manual read (separate entries several pages apart, of course:)

Endless loop: See Loop, Endless

Loop, Endless: See Endless Loop

This is a classic

There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary andthose who don't

And lets not forget :-)

Why computers are like men:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Q: Is the Glass half-full or half-empty?

A: The Glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Programming a bombBaghdad function is immoral, a good programmer will always write a bombCity function and have Baghdad passed in as an argument.

Q: How many Pentium chip designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 0.999994637287432

An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

General protection fault - 10.10.61

Runtime error - 23.09.1998

Q: How many IT Support people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Have you tried turning it Off and On?

(RSPCT2 The IT Crowd)

Every developer starts out by being Optimistic. Optimistic programmers assume that system calls will always succeed, there is always enough memory and disk space, and there really is a Santa Claus.

Computer Science [noun]: A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter.

This one is terrible and awesome:

Q: How is a virgin like a stack?
A: First you push, then you pop.

Programs, like ships, sink in the C.

'Hey hon, where all the kids at?'
'They're all out at their friend's homes. Wanna do something fun? (wink)'
'That's a great idea! Switch the computer on!'

:)

A Turing machine walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "what will you have?"

After waiting a while for an answer, the bartender becomes impatient. "Cmon, what's taking you so long?"

The Turing machine replies, "I can't decide."

Feminist Unix Command

"man bash"

Funny computer quotes

Here are just a few: "If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

Administrator = Admin is traitor

Q. What's the difference between C and C++?

A. Nothing, because: (C - C++ == 0)

(But note that the value of C has been increased)

There were a group of software engineers and a group of project managers going to a conference by train. The managers each bought a ticket for the train, the engineers only bought one ticket for the whole group.

On the train, as the guard came through to check the tickets, the engineers all entered a single toilet. The guard checked the managers' tickets and then knocked on the toilet door,

"Ticket please," the guard asked.

The engineers slipped the ticket under the door, the guard checked it and went on his way. The managers saw this and were impressed.

The following year, the same managers and engineers were again going to the conference. This time the managers purchased only one ticket, but the engineers didn't purchase any tickets at all.

On the train, as the guard approached to check tickets, the managers enter the toilet and waited.

An engineer went to the toilet, knocked, and said,

"Ticket please."

Medieval people believed that it was Elijah the Prophet who caused lightning riding the skies in his chariot of fire.

Now, in modern times, we cannot suppress our smiles when reading of it. Every educated person knows that in fact it's Google Earth taking photos using a flash.

Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

A: She had one-to-many relationships

Q: How do you solve the dining philosopher's problem?

A: Just add more fork()

Q: What does the software engineer who fathered MVC, Broker, Pipe-and-filter, Client-Server and Transaction Processing feel towards his creations?

A: Pattern-al love

<form>
    <fieldset>
        <legend>I am</legend>
    </fieldset>
</form>

It's a safe assumption that all software projects contain at least one undiscovered bug and have at least one byte of bloat that can be optimized out. So theoretically, the world's best program will consist of a single incorrect instruction.

Save the mallocs, free them all!

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

                         GOOGLE



  __ Web   __ Images   __ Groups   __ News   __ Froogle


Please print query clearly:  _____________________________


    Mail to: Google Search Request
             1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
             Mountain View, CA 94043


        Please allow four to six weeks for results.

Source: http://fury.com/google-circa-1960.php

Why don't people like C programmers? Because they have no class.

A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"

Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"

"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.

"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."

"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.

"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"

How to get girls interested in programming

Girls like romantic stuff. My new programming language will supply this in the following way:

1. Each variable can either be masculine or feminine.
2. Masculine arrays are one-based, feminine arrays are zero-based (this is soooo obvious).
3. In a jagged array, at least 40% of the subarrays need to be feminine.
4. If you construct a date by concatenating a masculine and a feminine variable, some of the space allocated for the masculine variable will be reallocated for the date.
5. Every 28th cpu cycle, all feminine variables will throw exceptions or other heavy objects if queried the wrong way (what the right and wrong way is, is undocumented – pending research)
6. During communication, feminine variables will always go through a named pipe, tcp port or anything like that before masculine.
7. If a masculine pointer raises a flag for the wrong feminine variable, it is not an exception.
8. A female binary large object will be tried but not caught.
9. Feminine variables will never dump unless they are grouped.
10. Feminine variables are not static with threads, they change patterns every season.
11. Behind every long masculine integer there is a feminine char.
12. To construct a short, you must first concatenate a feminine single and a masculine single into a mixed gender double, the most significant bits of the double will then overflow into a short after a period of 9×30 cycles. The double can spawn several shorts before they are either deallocated or split into two singles again.
13. Feminine variables should be camelcase.
14. Masculine variables have their own opinion on what the most significant bits of feminine variables are.

All programs are poems, it's just that not all programmers are poets.

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what they're doing until it's too late.

A depressed programmer hung himself on a binary tree...

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

An old 1980s cartoon: two people in front of a computer - on the screen is the phrase "What's it worth to you?"

First person to second: "I hate corrupt disks!"

What says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?"

A parroty error

I'm nervous about programming in an untyped language---my penmanship is awful!

I always loved this one:

God is real, unless declared integer.

...and got more...

• "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
• COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
• Daddy, what does FDISK do?
• Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
• How to double your hard drive space: Delete Windows.
• Keyboard missing, press F13 to continue.
• OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
• Undocumented features will rule the Earth!
• What?!? DOSSHELL isn't supposed to be a joke?
• Wherever you go, there you are.
• Bad command or operator
• External Error : INTELLIGENCE not found !
• Always make a backup copy of your sex partner !
• Critical ERROR : Use hammer.
• Shut power down & press any key !
• All protective devices failed, call GhostBusters
• ATENTION!: High voltage on keyboard !
• All viruses found.
• Your mouse is hungry!
• Memory failed. Use paper.
• All rights released.

Q. What happens if a pattern and an anti-pattern collide?

A. You get a singletonarity.

A C++ programmer: "My 0-th son was born yesterday"

When a programmer and a beggar meet, the very first question they ask each other - Which platform are you working on ?....lol

Actual google chat conversation

Dude its freezing in here, someone cranked the aircon on VARCHAR(MAX)

'Why is your kid sitting alone apart from all those other kids in the sandbox?'
'They're all playing a computer lab and mine's trying to get Linux running.'

An evil psychiatrist kidnaps an engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician to see how their minds work. He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves. When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds:

The chemist had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them. The engineer had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts. The mathematician was slouched on the floor, long since dead.

Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:
Theorem: If I don't eat the beans I will die.
Proof: Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.

I eat URLs for breakfast. Q: How many? A: 200 OK

"…one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." Robert Firth

A programmer, before going to sleep, puts two glasses on the bedside table - the first glass full of water, and the second glass absolutely empty.

The first glass is for the case he will want to drink water in the morning, and the second glass is for the case he doesn't want to.

:))

A chat conversation between me and my friend:

friend: This just sounds wrong: "using std::back_inserter;"

me: lmao

friend: I sure don't want an STD from a back_inserter...

Batbit and Spiderbit walk into a byte. The byte-tender says, "Sorry, no masks allowed"

Explaining recursion:

It was a dark and stormy night, and I says to the captain, captain, tell us a story. And this is the story he told.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Software Development Cycle : A true Story

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.. :))

Mine favorite is rather stupid...but...

How do You count cows? With CowCulator!

Not really a programming joke but related to MSDN. Spell check fail.

Java: write once, debug everywhere.

Yo mama's so fat she sat on an n-ary tree and turned it into a linked list in constant time.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Young Child: Mum, when I grow up I want to be a {insert least favourite programming language here} programmer.

Mother: You'll have to make you're mind up, Son. You won't be able to do both.

2 + 2 = 5 (for large values of 2)

At a recent computer software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we can work around it in software.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we'll just put it in the manual.

How many technical authors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the customer will figure it out.

A computer programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable key punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micro-metric precision from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive sources and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

She sells cshs by the cshore.

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a programmer were discussing the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not, 11 is.... The theorem is true, within experimental error.

Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime.... The theorem is true.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime....

Localized version of a famous one:

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below, who is pasturing goats. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"Oh, thanks, now I know I'm in Russia"

"Yes" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. So you are software developer. And only in Russia software developers pasture goats."

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

This code is about as stable as a one-legged drunk with hypothermia in a hurricane, balancing on a banana peel. When someone throws him an elephant with bad breath and a worse temper.

Q: What do database administrators give their daughters to prevent them from having child records?

A: Foreign Key Constraints!

Error message:

Your mouse has moved. The system must reboot to effect the change!

Programming joke in Swedish: Det var två programmerare och en stack.

Whats common between beggars and software engineers? They both ask the same question when meeting another one of their kind; Which platform are you working on?

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, its a hardware problem.

When does a Boolean evaluated expression achieve orgasm?

After a while.

The doctor, the artist and the programmer are discussing whether it is better to have wife or a lover. The doctor says:"It is better to have a wife who can stand by you all the time". The artist says:"To me it is better to have a lover. This way I get more inspiration". And the programmer says:"I have both. When I'm not with my wife she thinks I'm with my lover, when I'm not with my lover she thinks I'm with my wife so this way I can program all the time"

COBOL stands for: Compiles Only Because Of Luck.

Opposites attract...

Wife: "I'll be right back!" Me: "I'll be left forward."

In Russian, it means "I code in C++ for food"

The Amiga had a concept of screens. You could pull them down and see other screens with other apps behind them.

I wrote a little hack that scrolled the front screen down one pixel every 30 seconds and put it on all the Amigas in the company.

People didn't know what the hell was going on. They were working and their front screen would gradually work its way down. They had to keep grabbing the mouse and pulling it up.

Question: Why is the heap the sexiest part of C++? Answer: It's where all the new'ed variables are.

Q. What sits on a communications engineer's shoulder and says "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?

A. A parity error.

A guy join in a chat room and asks:

Q: "Does anybody here knows python language ?"
A: "Shhhh shhh shhhhh...."

When a programmer goes to bed he sets out 2 glasses on his bedside table:

• One glass is full of water, in case he wants to get a drink
• One glass is empty, in case he doesn't

Every time the God divides by zero a black hole is spawned.

Q: how many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

They say the memory is the first to go....

I used to remember everything when I was a kid. I suppose I had an infinite stack. As I got older, and busier, and tired, my stack size decreased until, 3 children later, it was exactly 1 bit. (Readers of StackOverflow shouldn't need an explanation.) And today, it's dwindled to ... er, what was the question?

I think a lot of the best jokes come during a dull lecture. In a course I was in where we were doing a fast Poisson solver and during a derivation the teacher said "Something's fishy here", to which I and the professor had a riotous laugh, but everyone was just a little confused. Sometimes they're hilarious when you don't expect them to be. Sometimes it just happens. Just be "up" in your lectures. That's all that matters.

I remember a very long one about Microsoft but I forgot where I read it, here's a part

...Your name is Bill Gates, so why are you selling us Windows??...

I always like to respond to a really technical insanely deep question with "Does your Dungeon Master still talk to you?"

Maybe It was told before. - Windows user's car got broken. He gets out and gets back in.

Not a joke, per se, but just something that I witnessed last week:

I have a slightly ditzy friend who's gotten her CS degree and started working remotely for an outsourcing company. I watched as this conversation unfolded between her and another dude-friend of mine:

Ditzy: Why doesn't it work?

Dude: Well, you're assigning a new value to an argument you got in the function. That overwrites the old value.

Ditzy: But put that value in using a hex!

Dude: What?

Ditzy: Yeah! I thought it made it more magical!

Turns out she thought that values written in hex are magical and don't take up storage, so that you can store as many of them as you want in a single variable, and the compiler will magically access the value you meant it to.

Windows ME

An original of mine - The Software Uncertainty Principle:

You can either know what a application is doing or how fast it is doing it - not both.
You can not debug a program without affecting it.

Work log of a programmer...

1.0 Debugged my wheeling chair...fixed the height, arms and felt easy

2.0 Downloaded three cups of coffee and tasted to see they compiled without error

3.0 Printed two copies of a document that explains why code are always full of bugs.

4.0 Surfed the net, jumped to inbox to see if the other guy regularly blogs

5.0 At the end of the day, checked the social site to know why people waste their time on social networking sites

3.0 Checked the bank account if salary has been transferred

4.0 Logged the work done

5.0 Shut down the pc

"Remember: there's no faster code than no code!"

I read a lot of variations on the glass half-full empty joke. So here's my adaptiation of Terry Prattchets adaptation:

A pessimistic programmer will say that a glass is half empty.

An optimistic programmer will say that a glass is half full.

A Real Programmer® will say that the array is twice as big as it needs to be and call realloc().

A salesperson will say "Wait, you call this my glass? This is not my glass! My glass was filled to the brim! And it was a bigger glass!"

Recursion: Definition of recursion, see recursion.

Vista: virus infected system, try apple

A Barber decided to do free hair cut for first time customers.

A Gardner walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy next day he sends free flowers to the hair dresser.

A Librarian walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy and next day he sends a free book to hair dresser.

A programmer walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy....

..
..
..
..
..
..
..

Next day 100 programmers visit the Barber shop.

Interviewer at the end of the meet : Do you have any other queries..??

Our programming guy : ofcourse, select * from....................

Cheers

Ramesh Vel

Pro'gram'mer n. An organism that converts caffeine into code.

Programmer's son asks his father: Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? don't touch it.

...not exactly a written joke, but still really funny.

A (male) mathematician and an engineer appear in a room. There are two other things in the room, as well. A gorgeous naked woman standing opposite the men; and god.

God says, "You can move half the distance to the woman as many times as you'd like."

The mathematician shakes his head and says, "What's the point? We'll never get there."

Then the engineer immediately covers half the distance and says, "I'll get close enough for practical purposes."

Software Development Cycles

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

I recollect reading this somewhere:

“I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”

Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.

IEnumerator? I barely knew her!

Bill Gates and Marc Andressen (from Netscape for those who don't know) die and go to heaven. Peter meets them and announces that they will get stabbed with a needle for each major bug in their browser software. First it's Marc's Turn: "In Navigator 1.0 there was a big security hole" PRICK! "In Navigator 1.1 you couldn't empty the cache" PRICK! Marc rubs his butt and looks around: "Where did Bill go?" Peter says in reply: "He's just being clamped into the sewing machine..."

Two threads are fighting over a stack of papers.

The one says to the other, "Take these copies and fork off."

There are two things in life that you can't live without them: sex and bandwidth, and there is people trying to survive without the first one.

"If you can read this, thank a Software Developer." - Joseph M. Abou Nader

"A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?"" - Anonymous

"Software is like sex: it's better when it's free." - Linus Thorvalds

"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool." - Joseph Costello

My website http://www.SoftwareQuotes.com - has lot of quotations about programmers, software development and computers. Here is a link to some funny quotes: http://www.softwarequotes.com/popularquotes.aspx?tagname=funny

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just declare darkness™ a standard.

(Funny, but not a MS hater)

This (long but great) joke in one of its reincarnations is one of my favourites: (http://hulubei.net/tudor/humor/sysadmins.html). Did not see it posted in this thread yet...

I'll post the start of the joke, you can read the rest at the URL above...

__

There are four major species of Unix sysadmins:

1. The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, and maybe also perl.

2. The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.

3. The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.

4. The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers

Situations:

1. Low Disk Space

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

MANIAC:

# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

IDIOT:

# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress

2. Excessive CPU Usage

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

MANIAC:

# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

IDIOT:

# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

3. New Account Creation

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

IDIOT:

# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
Root Disk Fails

... READ THE REST OF THIS JOKE HERE ^[1]...

Here's a personal one:

Programming really is like practicing magic. But C++ is a broken staff.

This one I know from a friend that studied Automated System at the Polytechnic University in Bucharest.

'A man his robot wake up one morning. While the robot was preparing breakfast the man couldn't help notice the robot wasn't feeling fine.

• Man: Are you OK ? What happened ?
• Robot: I had a horrible nightmare last night !
• Man: You can dream ?
• Robot: I was dreaming away my usual relaxing dream: 0111011101010001110100100111010001011110010010100 1010001011101010001011001001001010101000101000101 ... when all of the sudden: 0010100000001101001......2'

not the best, but probably the only programmer joke I know. ^_^

My life is a while
inside a C file
that does not compile
and it also has a for
that always dumps core

There are 10 types of people:

• those who think they're being original posting jokes about bases
• those who are too lazy/stupid to notice that it has already been posted 10* times
• those who are too young to shudder at the phrase "digital manipulation"
• those who think jokes about binary are funny
• those who are kept awake at night worrying how to accurately represent 1/5
• those who will slap you silly if you don't shut up about binary
• those who understand that 10 types of people understand recursion, they need a slap too
• those who understand octal

*in base whatever

It's not funny when my keyboard brea

If two people enter the elevator and three people get out on the next floor, one person must get in so the elevator is empty.

EDIT Fixed spelling bug

Not really a joke, but every time i'm having pointer problems on a linux machine I giggle.

(~/) $ cd /dev
(/dev/) $ cat mouse

A great one liner about why a company shouldnt hire consultants. "Dont hire consultants. They steal the watch from you and tell you the time". Not sure how true that is. :)

Mark Twain's remark about quitting smoking ^[1] always remembers me of the standardization of LISP:

I cannot understand why people say it is so hard to plan a standard LISP dialect. This task is very easy, I have already planned a dozen ones.

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

I have add Gob's program from Arrested Development:

"What is it Michael? Are you a robot? Don't you have enough RAM for feelings?"

Heap Heap Array !?

I was lying in bed after a crazy birthday, and, there being no place open to eat, everyone was trying to figure out a good delivery place. I said "I want some internet food", not wanting to move.

My girlfriend said, "How bout some MegaBytes?"

She's hates computers, it was hilarious.

This isn't mine:

["hip","hip"] //hip hip array

This is:

{cake => "chocolate"} //hash cake

Not a joke so much of a prank. When people would laboriously write down, on paper, the complete text of a BSOD and read it to me (because I've seen that!), or else give me any sort of memory error message with an address, I would answer straight away: "Yeah, that address is bad. It's one of them that never works. Shame you got there. Oh well..."

This was actually funny back in the Jurassic:

Q: How many IBM mainframes does it take to do an arithmetic left shift?

A: 33. 32 to hold the bits and one to push the register.

The one about the programmer working on fifth floor, always be taking the elevator to the fourth floor...

I told this to my girlfriend today under a discussion, might fit here.

"Every time you open your mouth what you say starts in a catch a and ends in a finaly!"

I just understood afterward that she didn't understood what i was trying to say with that sentence.

Programmer to friend looking at attractive girl at a bar: "If she's half as cute when she's twice as close, from four times the distance away she'll be twice as cute."

Bianry Joke

01010101000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111 11010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111 100101010101010101011010101010101000010111111010010101010101 010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101010 1010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010101 101010101010101101010101010100001011111101001010101010101 001010101010110101010101010101010001011110010101010101010 1011010101010101000010111111010010101010101010010101010 010101010101010100010111100101010101010101011010101010101 00010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010 1000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111110100101 01010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101 0101010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010 101011010101010101010101000101111001010101010101010110101010 10101000010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101000000000000000002

A programmer started to cuss
'Cause getting to sleep was a fuss   
  As he lay there in bed  
  Was looping thru his head:  
{while(!asleep()) sheep++;}

Programming in C is like fast dancing on a newly-waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

There are 2 types of people.

Those who understand binary; those who don't; and the ones who understand ternary.

Yosefk did three great ones a while back on his blog ^[1]. This one's my favorite:

When I tell it, I usually introduce it with "This joke's about programming, but it's also about a plumber"

An airplane lands, and passengers come out. One of them notices a guy underneath the airplane. As you’d guess, the guy is a plumber. The plumber touches some lock, and immediately gets covered by excrement streaming from an opening at the bottom of the plane.

The next scene should really be a small piece of pantomime, but I’ll have to get by with words alone. He slowly sweeps his right hand over his left arm, then the left hand over the right arm, and shakes his hands. The Passenger exclaims...

Passenger (appalled): What on Earth makes you keep this job?

Plumber (proudly): Hey, I’m in the aerospace business!

More of a pun than a joke:

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Compiler message you don't want to see #42:

Too many errors on one line (make fewer).

return your_job++;

Just before your_job got a raise, it went to the garbage dump.

Old programmer talking to young one: What do you mean you have to have an IDE? Why, in my day, all we had were ones and zeros, and that was on a good day. On bad days, all we had were zeros.

First Engineer: "I was walking home one evening when I encountered the most stunningly beautiful lady riding a bicycle. She stopped next to me, threw off her clothes and said "it's all yours!" "

Second Engineer: "What did you do?"

First Engineer: "I rode off on her bicycle."

Second Engineer: "Yeah. Her clothes wouldn't have suited you anyway..."

Compiler message you don't want to see #41:

This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

[Referring to a developer who's being very combative or anti-social]

In Klingon culture, your behavior would be considered the early stages of a mating ritual.

I can't believe this one is missing:

"God save the Queen, 8, 1"

Am I too old?

From a Dilbert cartoon, roughly from memory
PHB: Management says we need more unix programmers.
Dilbert: I already am a unix programmer.
PHB: If the company nurse stops by, tell her never mind.

BASIC programmers eat Dim Sum for breakfast.

Lisp joke: My other car is a cdr.

Perfect for a sticker on the car. :)

Can you C#?

Hello World is cross platform chapter

Possibly apocryphal story: the first COBOL compiler for Unix systems was called RM COBOL - allegedly the people at the stand in the first trade show wondered why the attendees found the name so amusing...

A programmer on his way home finds a talking frog: "I'm a magical princess turned into a frog. Kiss me so that I will return to my natural form and we may live happily ever after." The programmer picks up the frog, looks at it for a while and then puts it in his pocket. Angrily, the frog starts shouting out of his pocket: "Why don't you kiss me? Surely you have never met someone as beautiful and rich as a princess before. This is a unique opportunity for you." To which the programmer responds: "I'm a programmer, what use do I have for a girlfriends? Now a talking frog... that's something else..."

A group of managers, mechanical engineers and programmers are swooshing down a mountain in a sleigh. Suddenly the sleigh buckles and crashes, spilling everyone who was on board.

Soon after they shake themselves off the managers announce that they're going to form a committee to investigate the cause of the crash and how to avoid it in the future.

The mechanical engineers start pulling out their screwdrivers so they can begin analyzing the sleigh to see what went wrong.

The programmers just want to push the sleigh back up the mountain to see if it will happen again!

DOS joke...

Who is this "General Failure" guy, and why is he reading my hard drive?

Not a joke, but a great bumper sticker seen on the car of a University of Michigan AI faculty member:

"My Other Car is a CDR"

A programmer is walking along and finds a frog on the side of the road. The frog says "Hey, you! I'm a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I'll turn human and be your hot girlfriend."

The programmer picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket.

A few minutes later the frog shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear me? I said I was a beautiful princess! If you kiss me I'll turn human and be your girlfriend!"

The programmer says, "Nahh -- I'm a programmer, I really don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- that's pretty cool!"

SO - error when trying to post an answer, but they check you are a human, and when you complete there test this is what you get: "Oops! Your answer couldn't be submitted because:

body is missing "

Chuck Norris’s programs are always one word - work - and they do

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those that understand trinary, those that don't and the ones who confuse it with binary

I like to misquote Jerry Maguire ^[1]

"You had me at Hello World"

There was a computer scientist walking down the sidewalk when he noticed a frog hopping up and down in front of him. When he got close the frog suddenly spoke: "Help me I am a beautiful Princess but I have been turned into a frog by an evil witch!"

The computer scientist picked up the frog and put it in his pocket, then continued his walk to work.

The frog piped up out of his pocket "I am a beautiful Princess and I have wealth and riches. If you kiss me and break the spell we can be married and you can rule my kingdom." but the computer scientist ignored the frog and continued walking along.

Eventually he reached his lecture hall, and took the frog out of his pocket. The frog looked at him and asked "I have offered you riches, and my kingdom, and marriage to a beautiful Princess. Why won't you help me?"

He answered "Well I'm a computer scientist, so I'm not interested in girls, but a Talking Frog is Really Neat!"

unzip.zip...

if only you and dead people can read hex, how many people can read hex?

"When I code I like to think like a computer. The problem is that computers don't think"

A developer finds out that his wife is pregnant so he gives his child-to-be a codename.

An Engineer and a Mathematician found the magic lamp, the genie came out of the lamp and said, "I have a quest for you, can you see that hot chick over there, if any one can get to her by everytime jumping half the distance he jumped before, she is his.

The mathematician said this is impossible" and left.

After a while, he met the engineer who had a big smile on his face and told him "I did it", the mathematician said "WHAT, how it is impossible", the Engineer replied "Yes, but I got close enough to make it possible"

010001010110100101100111011010000111010000100000011000100111100101110100011001010111001100 100000011101110110000101101100011010110010000001101001011011100111010001101111001000000110 000100100000011000100110000101110010001011100010000000100000010101000110100001100101001000 000110001001100001011100100111010001100101011011100110010001100101011100100010000001100001 011100110110101101110011001011000010000001000011011000010110111000100000010010010010000001 100111011001010111010000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101101110011110010111 010001101000011010010110111001100111001111110010000001011001011001010110000101101000001011 000010000001110010011001010111000001101100011110010010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011000100111100101110100011001010111001100101110001000000010000001001101011000010110101101 100101001000000111010101110011001000000110000100100000011001000110111101110101011000100110 1100011001010010111000100000

It is not joke itself but nevertheless it is still funny :)

http://www.aegisub.net/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html

Software programming is like sex, one bad decision and you end up supporting it in the rest of your life.

Microsoft Works.

really?

Don't take it serious :)

date && sleep && look && talk && touch && access && open top && unzip && mount && yes && yes && join && fork && umount && kill && cut && shred

Q: What kind of modem did Jimi Hendrix have?

A: A Purple Hayes.

SELECT * FROM Users WHERE Clue > 0

0 Rows returned

sp_helptext 'sp_helptext'

Picked from real life:

-The client was keeping on sending those presence packets.
-Until what ?
-True !

A couple get lost in the fog somewhere in the north west. Happening upon a large wall, which the soon discover is a window, they began to pound on the glass while screaming for help.

Moments later a few faint faces appear behind the glass.

The couple yell, but the glass is thick. Neither side can hear the other.

The woman takes out her lipstick and draws on the glass:

"EW ERA EREHW" ('where are we' in reverse.)

The faces dissappear behind the glass and soon reemerge with a large sign that says:

"YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS"

The woman laughs and says, "Oh, we're in Redmond, WA, just outside of Microsoft's Headquarters"

The husband is amazed and asks how she could know that.

"Because", she replies, "the answer to my question was so worthless and unhelpful that it could only be Microsoft."

True story:

We had some very heavy snow a few weeks ago, and when I got in to work I got an email from a coworker:

"in case you have not been watching the news, the pd is asking people to stay clear from the peripheral roads unless completely necessary.

i will be doing just that and recommend you do the same.

many of those roads are not being plowed to the point that we are not getting bus traffic or even garbage collection."

That might have been useful to me had I received the email before I left, but it didn't come in until after I actually arrived at the office. So I wrote back:

"Meh. I'll be fine. I'm a Delphi coder. A lack of garbage collection has never scared me."

Syntatic salt is bad for the colon

Two Hibernate POJOs walk into a bar. On the dance floor, in plain sight, they start to merge. The bouncer walks over and shouts "Hey, yooz two... get a persistent context!".

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

Quite nice one is "The Evolution of a Programmer", found at many places at the Internet, for example here:

http://www.pvv.ntnu.no/~steinl/vitser/evolution.html

One of my older posts - link text ^[1]

The company secretary took out one of the programmers for a drink, so they walked into a bar. You would have thought that one of them would have seen it!

Some days the StackOverflow membership sounds just like a flock of ducks trying to out-honk a Mack truck, but getting cut short tragically as they all fly into the front grill.

A rails applications walks into a restaurant and starts talking to the server. The server looks out the window then says "We don't serve your kind here".

points at whiteboard and say it's already written in whitespace

A: hey, can I ask you something? B: yes, you can. A: SELECT * FROM

Every time my allergies flair up, I remind my peers:

"There's nothing worse then a programmer with a bad code."

How To Write Unmaintainable Code ^[1] contains tons of it.

If architects built buildings the way programmers write software, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

This one is best told leaving out the last line.

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?

He followed the directions on the shampoo bottle!

(lather, rinse, repeat)

ASCII stupid question and you'll get a stupid ANSI.

There are two things I want to do Before this life is done. They're write 5 lines of APL And make the buggers run.

"A foo walks into a bar," sed awk.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but you will never change it back again.

Heard on a room with 2 programmers experts on secure coding:

"Security is not a process, it's a thread!"

Did you hear about the programmer who was found drowned in her shower? She was found holding a bottle of shampoo. On the bottle were the instructions "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"

NACK, NACK.

Who's there?

ATM.

ATM who?

NACK, NACK.

http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/prod/dialspace/town/green/gfd34/art/bloopers.html

Some programmers never learn. The following illustration depicts a delightful beach on a Caribbean island, a few seconds after the following line of code was executed:

return strcpy(malloc(strlen(s)), s);

A : If there is a limit to the amount of information that can be stored/represented in the universe and all of it was allocated for a giant integer register, what is the largest number such a register could hold?

B : -1

(from reddit ^[1])

There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

A spanish one, refering to a product known as Bocabits ^[1]:

¿Qué hacen 8 bocabits? Un bocabyte

A few oneliners on T-shirt and sticker from thinkgeek.com :

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

I failed the Turing test

go away or I will replace you with a simple shell script

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

This is more of a generic geek-joke and I couldn't overcome 15 pages of jokes to see, if it's already been written.. But here goes:

In war time, 2 soldiers are captured by the enemy. In peace-time, one of them happens to be a physicist whereas the other is a mathematician.

They are placed in a room and tied to each their chair. Across from them - approx. 10 meters - sits a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The soldiers haven't seen their wives for months, so as the hours go by, they start to feel desire for the woman.

An enemy officer enters and explains to them:

"If you tell me where your base is located, I will let you go. If you don't, then, for every 5 minutes, I will move your chairs, so you are exactly half as far away from the woman than before".

The mathematician: "This is unfair! None of us will never reach the woman!"

The physicist: "For all practical purposes, I will be near enough in 2 hours.."

Why the programmer get stuck in the shower?

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Lightbulb is a class with method screw() so it can screw itself.

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

What would happen if you ran lint on your belly button?

reparare scarabaeus ergo sum.

It's the fragments from a dream of a bad telling of a bad joke, so it might need reworking later on, but something about:

"...the end of the world as foretold in Revelations , Fire and Brimestone, and the Beast and it's minions had surfaced from the lair under the earth's crust. Summoned by God Almighty to spread terror and destroy any lasting civilizations, any life that hadn't been worth salvation. The Beast called to the minions, planning how the world would be undone, communications were written and dispatched around the globe.

From up high, God watched on, noting the detail in the organisation, and was confident that all was to go as planned.

However, days, weeks, months passed, and finally God confronted the Beast. 'Why no progress? Such organisation, yet those who were not salvaged still work the earth! Why do you fail me?'

'Forgive me Lord, I have but permission to read and write.'"